Winter

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So technically winter just ended but a lot of things have happened since. There have been ups and downs ; moments when I felt terrified for myself (anxiety stealing my sleep, shadowing my happiest of holidays), disappointment (the worst form of sadness, that lingers even after the tears are gone) and when I wished I could freeze time (liberating, moments when I forgot all of it and only felt pure pure joy). It probably sounds worse than it actually was. I blame my love for words hence the flair for being a little dramatic. But I cannot find a more accurate representation of the emotions that were bottled up within me for what I felt was such a long time.

I lied to myself. I couldn’t really smile without thinking about it. I tried to forget (my mistake). So when the bomb finally dropped (just as I expected, because miracles don’t happen if you don’t deserve it – harsh I know), even my tears didn’t feel genuine.

Because I knew it was going to happen since the beginning. All that sadness and confusion and tears had long since been spent in my head. It’s just now everyone knew and I didn’t have to hide the pain and shame anymore.

I wasn’t given enough time to sulk. Everything moved on so quickly after that, I was surprised. Because in the end, that is just what life does. It goes on.

There are no cul-de-sacs or ultimatums. There is always light at the end of a long dark tunnel and a WAY.

I think I’m over it, but I know that I will never forget it. Which is good, I suppose. Because now, it’s not an embarrassment, it’s a lesson. And in the future, it will be something that I will be proud of. I’m proud of how I picked myself up, how it humbled me, how I can relate to others, how strong I really am.

So these are few words to myself and others who have experienced failure. Mine was my first real exam in uni.

Hard work brings good luck (and satisfaction is the best reward. No regrets – you know you did your best)

Be honest with yourself (telling yourself everything is going to be okay without having a plan of action to be carried out pronto is not optimism, it’s procrastination)

Forgiveness (it’s easy to throw the blame on others when life takes a sharp turn. Don’t be surprised when I say the fault is on you. It is your life, so stop dwelling on the past  and fix it!)

Have self-discipline (take care of your health and hygiene, for this brings confidence and therefore, beauty. You will love yourself)

Aim high (remember the saying ‘aim for moon, and even if you miss, you will fall amongst the stars’? It may not be scientifically correct, but it is a truth.)

Time (manage it, for it is the most valuable thing in your life. You have the power to change your future, as long as you have time. Don’t waste it.)

Carpe Diem (live every moment to the fullest, as if there are no second chances. You will end up giving your everything at the task at hand, grow as a person seizing opportunities outside your comfort zone and save loads of time. )

When stressed, prepare. When not stressed, prepare. (No such thing as over-preparation. Seriously, it is a major solution to anxiety.)

Pray (to find inner peace, for things beyond your control – knowing that you did your best on the things you could control. God only helps those who learn to help themselves.)

Learn from failure (and let it motivate you). (Nobody wants to fail, but when it happens, only let yourself be sad for a second. Then bounce back. It won’t be easy, but sometimes making mistakes is the best way to learn. Prove to yourself and not anyone else.)

Never, ever, give up. (If it’s not happy then it’s not the end)

Put yourself first (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary. It is immensely good to give without expecting anything in return but never forget to give yourself. Value your own happiness, goals and priorities.)

and finally,

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken

Remember the things that make you special, that make you YOU because your individuality and uniqueness is your superpower. The fact that you made it this far, proves that you are much stronger than you think. Love yourself and make the most of what could possibly be the best years of your life!

P.S.: On a lighter note, all my soul searching, deep contemplation (by the beach here in Oz and yep, in the Scottish Highlands during winter break) and making relatable playlists on Spotify have reignited my muse. Expect some quality ramblings and doodles between studying because artistic opportunities shouldn’t just be restrained to anatomy diagrams in med-life ;D

DISCLAIMER:  I am a known perfectionist. It is my bane. So I can be hard on myself. These sentences are simply the voices in my need that yearn to written down.

Till next time! 🙂

 

 

 

 

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